Why I Homeschool

I was called in for a meeting this morning to discuss "a couple of things" by Preston's therapist. I felt attacked but walked away feeling vindicated. Apparently when she asks him what he's doing in school, he tells her "nothing". So.....she thought he was doing "nothing". Through many tears, I explained to her what we do and how we do it and why we do it the way that we do. Preston, on the outside, seems like a normal 7 year old boy. When you look at his brain MRI, it's a little different. He spent 4 1/2 years (4 1/2 of his DEVELOPING years) on chemotherapy. How could it NOT affect his brain? We are very honest with his Oncologist and his Endocrinologist about his progress, his lack of ability to read at grade level, in addition to his health related issues. It appears that the majority of kids with his disease are learning disordered and/or developing neurological issues. Once again, how could they not after all that chemo in infancy, toddlerhood, and preschool ages? No, we may not sit at a desk for 6 hours a day like you would in public school, but we are learning. We are learning our measurements through cooking and and measuring liquids and solids and using a tape measure on everything in the house. We are learning levels and pulleys and ramps via rodent traps all over the yard and the field across the street. We learned about electricity through a board with all different sizes of batteries and light bulbs and wires. At some point in the meeting, I saw a change in her face and I knew that it "clicked". At the end, she told me that if her now learning disordered 20 year old were in 4th grade, she'd do the same thing I'm doing. She also told me that if anyone else questions my decisions, to send them to her. Yes, I feel like I won this one...but why must we homeschoolers constantly defend ourselves and our decisions?

Farewell 2008

I haven’t blogged in quite a while because everything I had in my brain to blog about was “heavy”. So, I’ve decided to write a farewell to 2008 and then try to write every couple of days about the daily grind, good and bad, at the Allen house.
Farewell to Paul….our beloved next door neighbor that died unexpectedly on October 31. His death affected us in more ways that we could ever have imagined. Preston, our 7 year old, was deeply affected as well. Preston and Paul played “tennis” across the driveway 3-5 days a week and Preston was very attached to him. Paul and his first wife, Laura, had been the first (and only non-medical) babysitters that Preston had, starting when he was 6 weeks old. Paul was a fixture in his life. Although I’ll never understand why things happen, I’ll have to carry on. Every time I look out the front door, I look for him walking to his mailbox (something he did several times a day, I swear). Every time I see a vehicle in town that looks like his, I look for him. Every time I see a coconut cake, I think of Paul. And today, as I was watching Extreme Loggers, I had a giggle thinking of the time he cut down our ailing pine tree and we were all praying that it would fall towards the yard and not across the highway we live on. A few weeks ago, I bought green Gatorade for Preston’s basketball team and he wouldn’t drink it because it was the color that Paul always kept in stock for him. Preston still talks of him often, but the sadness seems to be getting better. I’ve been close to death for many years now due to my husband’s cancer, but this blindsided me like I could never have imagined. I would have never dreamed I would have felt this way, and I’m not quite sure when it will go away. I think it would be easier if it were a friend across town or across the country, but being next door, I’m reminded of it daily…every time I pull into my own driveway, every time I look out the front door, every time I walk down to the mailbox. Paul…..we loved you dearly and hope to see you someday.
Dana’s tumors (30-50 of them depending on how you interpret the words “cluster” and “group” and “several” on the CT report) have doubled in size for the 2nd time in 5 months. He was able to get a whopping 3 chemo treatments in in August/September before his blood counts tanked and he was put in isolation and pulled off of treatment for 3 months. He started again on 12/31. His counts were still low the day of treatment, so I’m not confident that he’ll be able to take many treatments this time either. It’s so exhausting. I know it’s exhausting for him…to have been fighting it for so many years, to constantly be reminded that he has a death sentence and to be slowly losing his mind to the toxicity of the chemo. He’s like an early stage Alzheimer’s patient at best. Some days he’s 43, some days he’s 17, and some days he’s 7. We never know what we’re going to wake up to and it’s taxing on the kids as well. I thank God that our 3 older boys have good memories from before diagnosis and haven’t ended up in jail for all they’ve been through in the last 7 years with the diagnosis of their little brother and then dad 6 months later. I hope that Preston will remember the good times with his daddy and understand the bad later on in life. He’s mature far beyond his 7 years of life and understands way too much about cancer and chemo. He was diagnosed with MRSA in November and sent me back into a fear that I was going to lose him. It took me back to that day, holding my 5 month old baby and being told that he has a rare disease that kills. I don’t like being there. As it all worked out, it benefitted us to be so paranoid about his skin involvement and we had the MRSA under control before any of the wounds even opened. Thank God.
I pray that 2009 will be a better year with better memories and the ability to let go of the sadness of 2008. I want to be able to live each day to the fullest and to not look back.

Challenge Results

1. At first my thoughts of my gifts and talents went straight to the artsy/crafty arena. I can pretty much do anything with my hands that I set my mind to and I have the ability to look at something and be able to duplicate although some things take a little more looking (and possibly taking apart) than others. But I think those are all the easy answers. Beyond these things, I believe that God has blessed me with the ability to be a caregiver and a mom.

2. My interests and desires go back to the artsy/crafty area. If I had a day to do anything I wanted, you would probably find me at my sewing machine piecing a quilt. I don't care much for the actual quilting of the things but I could "piece" quilts all the time. I love to see the fabric scraps turn into something useful.

3. I have so many areas to improve that I don't know where to start so I'll just dive in. Studying and reading my Bible, cleaning my house, being organized, cleaning my house, spending more time with the older boys, cleaning my house, being more disciplined with my computer time and working rather than playing games, and last, but not least, cleaning my house.

4. I am currently working on cooking more often (those that know me well know that that's a real challenge) and cooking somewhat healthy. I'm also working on decluttering not only my house but my life.

5. At the moment, Preston is probably first on the importance list in my life although I know it should be my relationship with God. I'm just so worried about him and what is to come in his/our lives in the not-so-distant future, that I cannot help having him at the top.

6. At this point in life, I really don't know what the desire of my heart is. Maybe to have a "normal" life again, maybe not to have to check the caller id before answering every time the phone rings, maybe not to cry every single day that goes by....I'll have to think more about this one.

A challenge from Charis

My friend, Charis, posted a week or so ago with a weekend challenge that I planned on doing, but haven't really gotten around to it. I've pondered it quite a bit though. The challenge was as follows:

Gather a notebook, pen, and your Bible. You will need to leave room on your paper for 6 headings with plenty of room under each. The following titles will comprise your headings:

1. Gifts/Talents/Skills: List all the gifts, talents and skills you can think of that God has bestowed upon you.

2. Interests and Passions: What do you enjoy doing most? If you had a free day all to yourself, what would you most likely be found doing?

3. Areas to Improve Upon: List all those areas where you know you need improvement in your life.

4. Working On: List the areas in which you are currently trying to improve.

5. Priorities: Who or what is or should be taking first place in your life. Be truthful and be willing to change if need be.

6. Desire of My Heart: What is the desire of your heart?

Cancer SUCKS

Today we attended a memorial service for our dear friend Robb. Robb was only 43 and had battled colon cancer for 6 1/2 years. It's really hitting me hard. Robb was only 2 months older than my husband, Dana, and was diagnosed 1 month prior to Dana. We met him when they, along with 3 other brave men, were on the same clinical trial back in 2002. As of this week, Dana is the "last man standing" in that initial group of warriors. Although, many warriors have come and gone and more still to come, Robb has a special place with us. Whether it was the same year of birth, the same diagnosis at such an early age (37), his valliant way of fighting the battle, or maybe all of the above, I don't think there'll ever be another "Robb" in our cancer journey. It was wonderful to hear everyone speak of the pre-cancer Robb, the Robb that we didn't know. The Robb that was very sought after on the speaking circuit and in the world of his business. The Robb that was always so "well dressed"....I had to think and I don't think I've ever seen him with his shirt tail tucked in or with a pair of dress shoes on. I guess we got to know Robb Uncut. We had the pleasure of meeting him at the cancer center at Vanderbilt every Wednesday morning and routinely going to "our corner" for YEARS. Robb always called this group of men his "Chemo Buddies". They were so much more than that. They were there for each others struggles, victories, and illnesses. They were there to share skin remedies for that awful acne caused by the trial drug, ABX-EFG. They were there to joke with one another about playing poker for Immodium....noone cared about money...these guys needed their diarrhea to stop. One of the "chemo buddies", Don, put it so well one day.....he said "This medicine (and motioned in a circle of all of us with our chairs in a circle) is so much better than this medicine (and pointed to the chemotherapy that was being pumped into his veins)." I don't think anyone could have said it any better. Now, we must continue on this journey, knowing that we're not the last ones left but we are the last ones left in a very special group and it's hard today, it's going to be hard tomorrow, and it's going to continue to be hard for weeks to come. Robb......know that we love you, we're so happy that you're pain free, and walking with the Lord. We can't wait to see you again.

My Bean Bucket

I've often described myself as having a "bean bucket" internally that I place things and cope, much like the game Don't Spill The Beans. I don't tend to blow up much and can roll with the punches pretty well. But......everything that happens to me or that I "take" from someone goes into the respective bucket. My gut seems to be filled with buckets and everyone has their own. The problem is that once a bucket is full.....I'm done.....stick a fork in me...DONE. Some things that are done to me are lima beans and some are small peas, and it very well may be a small pea that finally fills the bucket and tips it over. I say this all because yesterday my bucket tipped over. I'm not going to write the gorry (sp?) details but it's made me think about the "wiring" of ME. I'm prepared to walk away from a location that has been a vital part of my life for almost 6 years now because my bucket is full and there's really nothing I can make myself do about it. Of course, it will all appear as if I got "mad" about one small incident but I can't worry about that. I don't know that this place will ever be a "safe" place for me emotionally again so I need to walk away. I have a committment to teach a class next week and I will honor that. The tough part is that Preston has 8 more weeks, once a week, to be there for a program that I believe is very beneficial to him. If need be, I will suck it up for those additional 8 Tuesday nights in order for him to complete this program but I will try to get Dana to take him, as this is still a "safe" place for both of them.

I'm going to try it

It seems like everyone is blogging and my brain is so full that it needs to vomit, so I'm going to try this venue. I know the name is crude, but I couldn't think of anything else and, like I said, my brain is so full that it needs to vomit. I've been teetering between starting a blog and posting on caringbridge and I still may do both. I think caringbridge is more for the medical issues and this could be my own random thoughts. Hopefully, I can find the time (or more like *make* the time) to do both. Dana has a lot of people that want to check on him and it often wears me out talking about it and blogging could be a good solution. But....for tonight....it's after 10 and I need to get to bed so I can be fresh and ready for Preston's antics tomorrow.